THE INDONESIAN WEDDING ON THE LOST ISLAND
It was Milia’s birthday when I asked her to marry, we dreamt a short Balinese ceremony, a small reception with only the closest friends, then a flight to the Archipelago of Maluku greeting the Milia’s family, and another to Italy greeting mine. Three cozy celebrations incorporated with three honeymoons around amazing places.
Wow!
After some days an intense exchange of calls starts, I see Milia agitated. Ina, the elder sister, offers us to honor the traditions of their family and to get marry under the traditional rules of Tanimbar Kei, a small forgotten island off Kei Kecil, at the south of Papua and north of Australia.
Not to mention it was a complication of our project, but we understood the importance and the value of what she was asking us, so we start to get organized to celebrate our day in a completely different way from what we thought.
#1 Indonesian Wedding – Dressing up
Two days before the wedding:
After months of bargains, the only confirmed news I got about the custom were something like:
“You must bring a Portuguese’s cannon on your shoulder. You must bring two pigs. Some gold bracelet and strictly follow every rule we will give you”.
What rules? Nobody knew for real. Ina, the saint sister of Milia, will get all of it.
Two days before we landed at Tanimbar Kei, starting our journey on a speedboat from Debut, a small harbor on the western coast of Kei Kecil. Around twenty people, maybe more, with luggages and the wedding cake to protect from the waves whatever it costed, joined us.
The arrival was amazingly surprising. The island was off everything, reminding one of those pirate’s lair from movies. A nervous sea surrounds the coasts with the exception of a crystalline bay where the harbor was located, and fully controlled by a gang of kids, who disappeared into the jungle in the instant they caught us by sight.
We get off the speedboat, and two aunties grab us the arms and walk crying and moaning through a dirt path into the jungle. A spirited jungle, full of souls and presences to respect with the proper distance, as everyone said.
They lead us to a house where a whole family was waiting for us serious and excited. We eat together not without awkwardness and shyness, then they show us the room. The day after we have to wake up early, and it was better we get a deep rest
#2 The Portuguese Cannon and the other presents
The day before the wedding – The Barter
Nervous. Not just a little. I wake up with thousands of questions like: What should I do? How should I do it? When should I do it? The answers are a few and divergent. Everyone admits confusion, no one knows what really will happen, some families are deciding the way to interpret the traditions because of some hitches, and the strong dialect doesn’t help to understand better.
I feel weak, the anxiety and the sweltering heat make my breathing difficult, I almost faint. Some friends save me with water and a fan, the family entrust ma a “Aunty Translator” who try the best to make me understand why a lot of men are now looking at me with such serious faces, and why they are pointing the fingers at me and Milia, and some other women are moving money and gold all around us.
Basically, they are discussing about the price I have to pay to get Milia. They finally get a point. The Portuguese’s cannons become two. The gold bracelets more. The barter has been set, now we must move forward for the “forgiveness”
#3 The Forgiveness’ Day
The day before the wedding – The Forgiveness
Well. Living together before getting married , in Western countries, it’s quite common and well recommended. In Indonesia, not. In Tanimbar Kei, even less.
When the elders knew that me and Milia already lived together in Bali, they decided that our repentance should be to go around the houses of the holy village, some wooden houses on the top of a hill, asking forgiveness to whom it may concern.
We must ask grace to the elders, make them sure about our good intentions, and conquest their blessing. This way to live the moment, actually a bit cynical and cold, it is completely different from what Milia feels.
In the instant she enters into the first house, a lot of people are already waiting for us sit on the ground, and she bursts into tears, endlessly. The Aunty Translator asks me to follow her, on my knees and so on, kissing hands, rubbing the noses, hugging with power, all of it takes out from me an archaic humanity and deep respect of the situation. The atmosphere was serious, profound and it lasts for a long while.
At the end, the elders put end to the ceremony and they decide to proceed with the wedding the day after, with one condition. Milia and me will not meet each others until the day after. Milia will sleep in a holy house alone, and I will see her only after some “efforts”
#4 After the final ceremony
The day of the wedding.
Milia, alone, starts the day very early. During the morning, she has to change three times the dress and visit various houses. The reason behind that? Greeting all the families before to pass on mine, and receiving some last good suggestions from other fathers and mothers of the village. Every house wants a different dress code and the rule pretends Milia should never touch the ground with her feet during the way, but she always must be raised from the strongest men of the village.
Very different from my morning style, spent eating cakes, drinking coffees and chatting with uncle Tam, a friendly man and owner of the house where I slept on the night. We talk about everything and we enjoy to compare the infinite differences we can find between a inhabitant of a remote paradisiacal island, and a son of the Dolce Vita of Rome. We laugh a lot until the women of the village alert me: “The time has come! Move.”
Milia has completed the round, now she rests in a room. The door is closed and protected by some women, as well as the door of the house, and the door of the courtyard, and the beginning of the pathway, and basically half of the village.
Other women create my procession instead, and some guys with drums and wooden swords will join. They help me to open the road until I can arrive to Milia, while dancing, singing and distributing money. The atmosphere is joyful and chaotic, everyone laugh and joke. The whole village is all around and slowly, step by step we arrive until the house where Milia is protected.
Then the confusion is getting powerful, the volume of the chants rise, as well as the amusement. The women make the way, push and drive forward, centimeter after centimeter. We finally arrive until the veil where Milia seats behind, held back by unnumbered arms.
The last word belongs to the protector. Only she can give the sign to the other women, only she can free Milia, but she only does it after some specific gifts.
It is not for case I have a bag hanging from my head, it contains a stone, tobacco, food, and other things that uncle Tam tried to explain me the reasons why, without success. What it was a success, instead, it was the content, suitable for the protecter. She hugs me, she says some blessing words, she nods and the other women free Milia.
Oh God! We hugged each other for so long, we kissed with so intense love, and without any words, we found each other as Husband and Wife under the law of a beautiful unique and tribal tradition, a so archaic unforgettable ritual, as only a remote island can keep alive.
Spectacular Tanimbar Kei, thank you for all!
Matteo & Milia
About the Autors: Matteo, digital nomad. Milia, pharmacist. Happily married, living in Bali, often traveling around.
